8/15/07 (Wed)
I'm home typing. My spirit is in a dormitory room at Cate School near Santa Barbara. I was supposed to go to sleep in my sleeping bag by now. The wake up time tomorrow is probably 4:45am and they'll line up at 5:15am for that "Hamburger Hill" run. I must have done something wrong to my back. I had a sharp pain in my lower back on Sunday, with no warning signs as always. Everything went different after that. I couldn't walk normally. I looked at myself in the mirror. My hip was out; the last thing I would want to see on a karateka. How ugly and sad… I looked like a 100 year-old woman.
No kidding, please! The special training is coming up in three days! I've been focused on it for months. I need to get back in top shape by Wednesday night. Oh no, I don't want to tell Brad (my special training buddy) that I'm not going to make it...not until I have tried everything possible to heal my back. On Monday I did gentle exercises and stretch I knew. I tried many times, but my back wasn't getting better as fast as I wanted. I made an appointment with a chiropractor for Tuesday morning. It worked and I felt much better.
The decision making process was hard. It was a day-long debate. To go, or not to go...all day. Am I possibly trying to be lazy? I'm feeling better now. I may be able to go through the special training, if I push myself hard. I have done it 30 times before...I tried to run lightly. No, I can't. There's still a sharp pain. I tried some kicks. No, not for 1000 times... If I go, I'm not sure if I (as one of the seniors) can help junior members through the training with this back problem. How about my family's concern? If I don't go, however, there's a sense of guilt and failure.
I have realized that it is harder to decide not to go than to decide to go. I took a deep breath and sent email to Brad, informing him about my decision. Best wishes for his and Darrell's strong special training! I'll be good, stay home and take care of myself, so I can make the next special training. I want to keep training for a long time, as long as I can.
Deciding not to go is harder
I think I understand the difficulty of the decision. Unlike most of us, I think your decision is made and committed to far in advance; I only decided for sure about a month ago to go to Special Training. I also think you made the right decision - Special Training is not where you go when you're sick or injured. That will only stop you from expressing your best effort, which is why we go there in the first place. Everybody missed you. I asked Jim Sagawa if you'd told him what happened, and he said, "No, I thought you did it to her!" Ha. Ha.